On June 24th, 2018 I received the phone call that no one wants to receive, that I was not prepared to receive. In fact, in many ways, it wasn't the right time to receive. This sounds like a weird statement, but let me explain.
I had just moved to Georgia to earn my Masters degree, I was starting a grad assistantship and I was navigating how to be an adult. I told my friends that we would talk all the time, and I would see them again soon, this included Ashley. I face-timed them to show them my new place, massaged them, and in fact messaged Ashley on the 23rd to express how nervous I was, and that I was anxious about meeting people. I kept to my word of talking with them all the way up until I learned of her passing. Relying on my friends and Ashley for this time in my life was so important. Ashley, specifically, had a way about calming me down, she made life seem so simple. Ashley was in many ways my buffer to the world, she knew when I needed to hear the truth.. and she knew when to lie (I vowed never to trust her again when it came to roller coasters). Once again, she made life simple, and that is what I needed as I was internally freaking out in this new place. There were many factors to this fear; I was far from family, what if my friends forgot me, what if I suck at my job, how do you even do this adulting thing. But again I felt that because she was a phone call away, along with my other friends, that I was fine.
Well after losing her I had to face some hard truths, one of them being the fact that the my mentality of her being a phone call away was lost. For that matter, future plans with her were lost; being in each others weddings, visiting one another, growing old in a old folks home together. I knew that I would be grieving her, and that grief does many things to people, in fact, I experienced all the stages when I lost Ashley. But I didn't realize the life changing effects it would have on me, and my internal battles I would struggle with.
I look back at the time with some regret. I want to note that I think people can grieve however they need to, so I don't beat myself up over that too much. But what I do get upset about how I treated this loss of one friend as if I had lost everything. I became distant with friends. This is something I still am working on, but now due to a new crazy busy schedule. I gave up on the things that made me happy because I didn't think that I could be happy again. I gave up on thinking ahead and planning a future, in fact I gave up on being excited for the future. But the biggest regret was that I gave up on myself. I had been someone that was so sure of life, and maybe that was because Ashley helped simplify things for me, but now I was questioning everything.
I believe that there is purpose in the world, I believe that things happen for a reason, and I believe that working to be the best person you can be is extremely important. I have been dealt many rough hands in life before Ashley passed, and I truly believed that I was done. I had reached my quota for bad things happening to me and that was it. I had always landed on my feet before, so there would never be a time where I didn't... but I was wrong. There is no quota for how much bad that can be given to you, there is no right time for this things to happen, and sometime you will fall.
"But why do we fall...so we can learn to pick ourselves back up". -Batman Begins
You maybe thinking, "what an odd time for a Batman quote". There is a point to it all I promise. I struggled with this doubt in what I believed for a LONG time, much longer then I thought I would. I was going through this struggle while still trying to navigate how to not lose myself and who I was. I wished I could be Wonder Women and save the day-myself- with a lasso. But recently it hit me, I don't have to wish to be a superhero because we all are superheroes.
Pick a superhero, any superhero; Batman, Spiderman, Wonder Woman, Black Panther, Iron Man, the list goes on. At the end of a battle Wonder Woman doesn’t hang up her lasso and shield, Iron Man doesn't throw away his suit, and Black Panther doesn't leave Wakanda. They are not done with saving the day. No, instead they know that some villain will try to take over the world again, and they will have to keep fighting. So in that sense we all do that in life. When something bad happens there is more bad that will come, and you will "Suit up", "Assemble", "Insert another superhero cliche". You will have learned from the previous villain, and you will keep learning as you face new challenges. But what would happen if the superhero gave up, if they lost themselves, if they forgot their friends... well if you are a fan of Marvel you know that Thanos would come in and dust everyone.
Developing my super strength took time, and it is still something that I have to practice. But what I have learned is that life not being simple is okay, it sucks, but it is going to be okay. I learned that there will be times where you can loose yourself a little, but you will find yourself again, or maybe even find a better version. And finally what I learned that I am Wonder Woman.
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